Issue #1

September 2022 Testing the waters

Aug 29, 2022

A short message from Doug:

WHAT’S GOING ON YOUTUBE!!!

A lot of you have been sending me messages like “Doug, how do you manage to be successful in all of your endeavors?” or “Doug, I wish my boyfriend was more like you, can you teach him to be more Dougish?”.

I wanted to take a few minutes out of my busy schedule and address this. Remember when you were a kid and your Mom (obviously not talking to Anthony here) would tell you to ‘make good choices’. That’s really all it takes to be successful.

I will give you an example of a good choice that I made and how it affected my path in life.

Several years ago, I was asked by a friend if I wanted to be a guest on his podcast. I did some homework and discovered that his podcast had well over double the amount of listeners that our show had. I knew it was going to be a sacrifice on my part, I picked my boots up by their straps and decided that I would do the work that my cohost should be doing. I made a choice that day – I made a choice and said “sure, ill come on”.

After doing several minutes of prep work I went live – you can check out the appearance by searching for a show called “The Official Podcast” it is on most podcast players.

Doug
Certified Christian Counselor
Soldier of God
Doctor of Divinity
Reverend
Chief Chief of Police Chiefs

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The whore with a big ass bush

A Haiku by Ramiro

Two hundred for sex
A prostitute with a bush
Couldn’t get it up

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Who is right:

A novel in pieces

By COW12X

Prologue

It was a hot summer morning, light shun through the uncurtained window unto Dougs eyes. The bed shifted as he rolled over, sweat traveling through his bodies natural canals as he grunted and groaned to face Anthony. Startled, Anthony awoke scared and confused, “What the hell? Was there a earthquake?” Doug frowned at this. Once again he was bringing up Dougs weight issue with no couthe whatsoever. “Fuck you faggot go back to bed”, Doug shifted back to his initial position, once again rocking the bed and causing their lamp to fall off the nightstand. Unfortunately the sun was in his eyes so he turned back, but then he remembered he was mad at Anthony so he laid on stomach, but that wasn’t comfortable so he laid on his back, but he couldn’t go to sleep that way so he got out of bed. “You’re being obtuse!” Anthony complained as the room shook.

By this point debris was littered throughout their bedroom, and Doug couldn’t find any clothes to wear within it. “Goddamnit, if you just helped advertise the show on twitter we wouldn’t have to live like this!” Anthony sat up in bed, the blankets fell from his torso revealing his ripped, masculine frame. He simply rolled his eyes and sighed like a little faggot, “Okay...” Doug began yelling as he riffled through a pile of tighty whities, looking for a pair without skid marks. “I do everything! All you have to do is show up! We’re never going to take the podcast to the next level if you don’t get your tight little ass into gear!” Anthony had had enough, before running off with tears in his eyes he yelled back, “All I want is for you to love me like my mom never did! Is that so much to ask?”

Doug sat on the bed for a moment, calming himself. In truth he did love him, but his own trauma made it difficult for him to show it. Shifting from angry to his second emotion, sad, Doug grabbed his phone. Sifting through the comments of Official Podcast episodes to see if anyone talks about him always made him feel better. Before he could even get onto a comment section, Doug was greeted with a e-mail from Youtube.

"This account has been terminated due to multiple or severe violations of YouTube's policy prohibiting content designed to harass, bully, or threaten."

Doug gasped, he couldn’t believe it. Was this it? His empire finally toppling down on him? Tears welled in his eyes. What about the superchats from the latest episode? What about all the ad revenue? The implications shot through his mind like a rolodex. As he began to hyperventilate, Anthony walked back in. “Are we out of almond milk?”

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Tall Toms Tree Talk

Fag-aceae Quercus lyrata

I wasted my money in college getting a degree in forestry, and I’m using that knowledge so you don’t have to waste your own money. Learn about trees from a guy who knows too much about them.

This week’s tree is a hardwood, the overcup oak tree (figure 1). The first notable fact is in the scientific name. All oaks come from the Fag-aceae family. So every time you see an oak tree remember one thing, it’s a total fag. Also this oak‘s acorns look like nipples (figure 2) Imagine being known for all of scientific eternity for being a fag with nipples! I’m only one of those things. Until next time. Keep an eye out for hardwood fags.

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A short review of the movie Top gun (1986)

By Anthony

Sitting down to write this review put me in a strange predicament as I haven't had the time to watch Top gun. As my deadline aproached I realized that I did watch Minority report a while back which also has Tom cruise as the leading man, if I'm remembering correctly. Basically the story behind Minority report is that the police now have the power to see crimes in the future and make arrests before the crime is even committed, and of course hilarity ensues. The movie is based on a short story of the same name by Phillip k. Dick who also wrote A scanner darkly, which was later adapted into a movie starring Keanu Reeves (I haven't seen that either). Keanu Reeves also starred in Bill and Ted's excellent adventure which I thought was pretty funny when I was a kid, for that reason alone I give Top gun 4 out of 5 stars.

- Anthony

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Recipes

By professional cook RyanSIW

Guacamole

-2 Avocados

- Half of a field tomato, diced finely

- Half of a red onion, diced finely

- 1 lime's worth of lime juice

- A pinch and a half of chopped fresh cilantro

- 2 cloves of minced garlic

Method: Just mix that shit all together until it looks like guacamole.

Chipotle Sour Cream

-1 liter of sour cream

- half a can of chipotle in adobo sauce

- lime juice to taste

- 1 tbsp of salt

Method: Blend it all together until the sour cream looks pink and has finely blended bits of chilis.

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Me and Mexicans

By Nugget

Keep in mind I don’t know for sure if they were all Mexican but I can assure you at least one was.

My first adventure with a Mexican I would like to discuss was something I had forgotten until recently. Some of the incels on The Who’s Right discord had brought up something about women having armpit hair and it being gross or something. This reminded me of the time (we were in biology class, ninth grade) where I was winning in an argument with a Mexican / Latino and the best comeback he had was to look at my armpits and “call me out” for not having completely shaven my armpits. It was literal stubble but the 15 year old boy brain he had couldn’t handle it. I laughed at him and told him that he was scared of female body hair. Or maybe I just made that comeback up a day later when going over the interaction in my mind, and I inserted the witty response into the memory. Either way, I am a gold standard feminist.

Most recently I was walking to school (I just started 12th grade) and there were these two guys doing yard work or construction or both. They had their truck on the curb and I was walking on the side walk. The truck’s door was open and there was one of the two Mexican guys (or Latino, but I will gladly assume Mexican) reaching over in the front seat. The closer and closer I get, I realize more and more that they don’t know I’m coming. I just hold my breath and walk around the car door and into the person’s lawn they were working on (the sidewalks are narrow and the opened car door took up over half of it). I walk around and the one guy finally noticed me. He said “oh! Sorry mama” and my mildly autistic self laughed and looked at the ground in front of me, making sure to never make eye contact with either one of them. I realize as I walk to school the rest of the way that he called me “mama” and I think through the event that had just transpired. I laugh to myself (keep in mind I was not talking to anyone and no earbuds / AirPods in my ears), making me feel even more autistic. At least I have a topic to share with my friends at lunch, I think and then write it down in my notes app with all the other topics I’ve written down for future social interactions. It’s kind of like having my own podcast with topics and a Trello board, except it’s just for my daily life to function around other humans.

This brings me to my final adventure with a Mexican. This was a few weeks ago when I was washing my dog at some washing dog place. The washing dog place is in a little plaza with other businesses surrounding it. I needed to leave the washing dog place because of the sensory over stimulation from all the noise. After leaving my mom inside and after making at least one person think I’m autistic by plugging my ears the whole dog bath, I go outside. I finally make the leap to not just stand awkwardly in the middle of the dog washing place. Instead of fiddling with my thumbs and taking up space, I could now sit on a bench and stare off into the distance because I forgot my phone in the dog wash room. Just as I was about to sit down on the bench, I was greeted by a glob of dog eye booger. I wipe it down on the table and as I’m doing so a younger Mexican comes around the corner and cat calls me. I give him a confused look as if he asked me to do his yard work. He then looked down at the legs I hadn’t shaven in two weeks and decided he wants no further part in this interaction. The guy turns away, and you could tell he thought he was cool because his pants were too far down. Anyway, he walks into a another small business with a big sign that says “call for your lash extension appointment today” like he owns the place. I sit there, confused, for 30 minutes wondering if he actually cat called me or not. Not to be mean, but sometimes, if the accent is too thick, you can’t really understand them or hear them. I do think he said “baby” but like “bebe” because… yea. I will say though, the Mexican American accent is oddly enough very comforting to me.

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